Untitled by Sudeep Pagedar

Good day, kind person.
My name is Prince Obatawanakinashitohanomoha of Zwazeitrangapultu. I am sure you have heard about the violent civil war in my country, some years ago.
My father, King Waritashatiklikosobrutanajiginomoha was the leader of the Krutsoshimenahaligoropisbenatasha Army (also known as the Royal Guard). Sadly, he was killed while making a brave attempt to sneak up from behind on an evil enemy general and slip a grenade down his shirt. Alas, the evil general (known to all in Zwazeitrangapultu as 'Average Joe' -- a strange term, yes, but it makes him sound very, very bad...which he is) survived. Soon after my father's demise, Average Joe overthrew the Krutsoshimenahaligoropisbenatasha regime and came to power in the summer of 1969. I was but a child then and those were the worst days of my life. I was sent in exile to a strange land whose name I cannot pronounce (but this is how it is spelled -- HARLEMNEWYORK) and the Royal Hut, the family residence since the last eight hundred years (or maybe eighty...I can't remember which) was taken over by Average Joe. He was searching for my fortune --- which I have with me here in Harlemnewyork --- of seven hundred antelope-skulls. Even today he continues to search. His agents are all over the world. It is only a matter of some time before they find me. Even in Harlemnewyork I am not safe -- all the residents look like my countrymen and everyone looks at me with strange eyes and makes signs of raised middle-fingers, when they see me counting my treasure which I carry with me wherever I go. I think I am being warned. Therefore I have an urgent need of finding safekeeping for my wealth. I have absolutely no idea who you are and have never met you in my entire life. I therefore feel you are a very trustworthy person whom I can have complete faith in. Would you want a share of my fortune? I know you would. No sane person -- and you are a most sane person -- would turn down my generous offer:
In exchange for keeping my fortune safe, I will give to you 3% of it -- twenty-one skulls of Zwazeitrangapultudian antelopes. You will not find any such skulls anywhere in the world; I am proud to say, this animal was made extinct by my Great Ancestors many, many moons ago. Now I will reveal to you a plan which you must not reveal to anyone; especially not to Average Joe, if he contacts you. (If he does that, deny knowing me and then run away to a remote part of your country where the weather is harsh and the vegetation is sparse -- your safety is of utmost concern to me.)
My good friend, I am planning to stage a coup in...say...a few years or so. Average Joe is old and will not live much longer. When he dies, his three-year-old son (who is the eldest of all his 29 sons) will become the new King. That is when I will make my move and most bravely snatch the throne from under him, pun intended. It will be like taking candy from a baby. Once I become the new King of Zwazeitrangapultu, my first act will be to invite you over to my country as an honoured State Guest and together, we will go hunting and try to make some other species of four-legged creature extinct. I am certain a person as wise and kind as you will not refuse. You must help me out or else there is no hope for me.
Visualise those white antelope skulls, my friend...keep that image in mind and contact me as soon as you can, expressing your eagerness to assist me. I have a lawyer who will flawlessly conduct the transaction -- he refuses to wear clothes; but in my country, clothes are a sign of poverty...and my lawyer, he is a very rich man. (I am a rich man too, you understand?)
There will be no need for Swiss bank accounts either. All you will need is a large room to store the bounty safely. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerefully,

Prince Obatawanakinashitohanomoha of Zwazeitrangapultu, son of the now-diseased King Waritashatiklikosobrutanajiginomoha of Zwazeitrangapultu

(p.s. you may have received some emails from a Nigerian widow asking to share her fortune with you. She is my aunt. Please trust her blindly and send her all your details, from your bank account number to which colour you want your 'surprise gift' in -- oops, shouldn't have said that here..excited, aren't you? Send all details now! Hurry!
Her lawyer is also very good; he wears clothes...but then he isn't from Zwazeitrangapultu and the customs of the outside world are indeed very strange.)